This dress was meant to end up on your floor
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Randomize
