someone threw a dead crab at me
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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