Sorry, I don't speak sober.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
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