I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Randomize
