He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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