My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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