Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Randomize
