They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
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