So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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