he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
