i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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