sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize