Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
Randomize
