Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
Randomize
