Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
