It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
