So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
