just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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