I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
Randomize
