I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
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