Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
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