She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Randomize
