thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
Randomize
