he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
