He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
