It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
We are all done wearing pants today
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
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