if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I just gargled with NyQuil
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
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