apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
you had me at cake vodka
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
Randomize
