Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Randomize
