Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Randomize
