My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
