Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
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