I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
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