Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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