dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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