We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
I can't watch pbs sober anymore
Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
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