I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
