i love accidental penises.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
Randomize
