i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
