Just fell off a train. Bad.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
