Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
