So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
Randomize
