You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Pregaming class all semester has made this final review session more like my introduction to the topic.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
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