wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
God, I missed his penis.
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