You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
