I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize