your thong is hanging out like whoa
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
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