My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
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