I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
