We're facebook friends in real life
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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