If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
