textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
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