There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
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