Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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