I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
The chlamydia really affected his face.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Randomize
