I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
