her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Randomize
