I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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