chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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