there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Randomize
