the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Randomize
